Brownielocks and The 3 Bears
present

              

              

              

 

  112 Christmas Riddles
(These are really corny, cheesy and very puny. Be prepared to groan.)

The answers to the riddle jokes are with our snowman.
Just place your cursor over our snowman and the answer will appear.

If using a smart phone to view these pages, just put your finger on the symbol and hold it for a moment. A pop up that contains the answer will appear. To close the pop up, just tap elsewhere on the screen.

The snowman is NOT a link! 

1.  Why did Santa get a ticket on Christmas Eve?

2.  Why was the manger so crowded on Christmas Eve?

3.  Do the female deer like Mrs. Claus?

4.  Why is Rusolph so good at playing trivia?

5. What does Rudolph do that bugs Santa?

6. Where does Santa put his suit after Christmas?

7.  What song do socks sing while they hang by the fireplace?

8.  What is Santa's favorite basketball team?

9.  In the World Series, what position does the Christmas turkey play?

10.  How do Christmas trees keep their breath fresh?

11.  A Christmas tree that has a big nose is called what?

12. Where do they make movies about Christmas trees?

13.  Do Christmas trees knit?

14. Where did Frosty the Snowman meet his wife?

15. On what holiday did the ham get burnt?

16.  What do vegetarians wish for at Christmas?

17. What's Santa's favorite sandwich?

18.  How did Mrs. Santa feel when she forgot to give her goldfish a present?

19.  How do fish celebrate Christmas?

20. Why did Santa start sneezing as he went down the chimney?

21.  How does Santa scratch an itch?

22. How do you decorate a canoe for Christmas?

23.  Why was the squirrel mad at Santa?

24. How did Santa get lost on Christmas Eve?

25. What did Santa bring the bear for Christmas?

26. Are are bears sure that Santa Claus coming to town?

27. Where do the bears celebrate Christmas with their family?

28. What does a grizzly bear decorate his Christmas tree with?

29. How did Santa do at the comedy club?

30. Why are Christmas presents so easy to tease?

31.  What Christmas carols do dog like to sing?

32. Who brings Christmas present to fleas?

33. Why is the Christmas present an honors student?

34.  Where do the reindeer go for Christmas dinner?

35. What did the headless horseman get for Christmas?

36. What do witches sing on Christmas?

37.  Who's worth about 5 cents at Christmas?

38. Why do sharks love Santa so much?

39. What does a snake sing at Christmas?

40. What happened when Santa parked his sled illegally?

41. Where do the three wise men go to get their robes tailored?

42. What vacuum does Rudolph use?

43. What kind of mobile phone has Santa got?

44. Why does Father Christmas cry a lot?

45. How does Santa take pictures?

46. What does Dracula write on his Christmas cards?

47. What do you get if you cross an archer with a gift wrapper?

48. What's the most popular wine at Christmas?

49. Who beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?

50. What do you drain your Christmas brussels sprouts with?

51. What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?

52. What's very scary and squeaks?

53. What did the sheep say to Santa?

54. What's an Ig?

55. What do snowmen have for breakfast?

56. What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire?

57. What's Santa's favorite Chinese dish?

58. What do you get in December that you don't get in any other month?

59. What do skunks sing at Christmas?

60. What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

61. Which of the reindeer has the worst manners?

62. What do you tell a stressed snowman?

63. What do you call a snowman in July?

64. What's a snowman's favorite Mexican food?

65. What's the least exciting animal at the North Pole?

66. Why couldn't the cat work her new DVD player?

67. What song does Santa love to sing?

68. What does Santa get on his suit when he ice skates?

69. What holiday drink gets on your nerves?

70. What did the spider want for Christmas?

71. Why shouldn't you write a letter to Santa?

72.  What makes December a warm month?

73. What nationality is Santa Claus?

74.  How does an Eskimo  put his Christmas decorations on?

75. How do you get an elephant into a Christmas cracker?

76. What's thoughtful and frozen and goes, "Drip! Drip!?"

77.  What does Santa Claus eat at a Mexican restaurant?

78. What's purple and sticky and goes, "Ho, Ho, Ho?"

79. What will happen if your naughty before Christmas?

80. Which Christmas carol never gets sung?

81.  What happened when Santa got a sore throat before Christmas?

82. What's a farmer's favorite Christmas carol?

83. What's a snowman's favorite grade in school?

84. What goes, "Ho, Ho, Whoosh!  Ho, Ho, Whoosh!"?

85. Which winter sport to trees participate in?

86. Which of Santa's reindeer was a U.S. President?

87. What do elves play Solitaire with?

88. What Christmas carol does Swiss cheese like to sing?

89. Where do sheep shop for Christmas presents?

90. What do you call a really weird Christmas fair?

91. What is a politician's favorite Christmas carol?

92. Why did the karate instructor admire Santa?

93. Why are green and red the colors of Christmas?

94. What do you give an artistic dog for Christmas?

95. What are red and green and grow on the ocean floor?

96. Why did the snowman put his friend on hold?

97.  When does Santa bring a toad his presents?

98.  What is the best day to drink egg nog?

99. What does one business person say to another business person on Christmas?

100. Who did Adam ask to the holiday party?

101. When does Christmas come before Halloween?

102. Why did the thermometer break?

103. Why was the computer so quiet on Christmas Eve?

104. What do Santa's helpers do to work out their problems?

105. What does Little Miss Muffet mail to her friends at the holidays?

106. What do reindeer plant in the fall?

107.  What did Santa say when he built a ski resort?

108. How did the detective find the stolen Christmas tree?

109. What do you get when you combine hot sauce with a Christmas bow?

110. Why does everyone enjoy December?

111. What is Mr. and Mrs. Claus's kid called?

112. What does Santa wear on his head to keep warm?

Christmas Knock-Knock Jokes

 

Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Tree.
Tree who?
Tree wise men.

 

Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Anita.
Anita who?
Anita lift, Rudolph.

 

Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Elf.
Elf who?
Elf I knock again will you let me in?

 

Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Yuletide.
Yuletide who?
Yuletide yourself over with a snack until dinner.

 

Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Rabbit.
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up nice, it's a present.

Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Arthur.
Arthur who?
Arthur any mince pies left?

 

Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Wayne.
Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger.

Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Donut.
Donut who?
Donut open until Christmas!

 

Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Holly.
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!

 

Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Wanda.
Wanda who?
Wanda know what you're getting for Christmas?

 

Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time to deliver the presents.

 

Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Fozzie.
Fozzie who?
Fozzie hundredth time, will you keep away from the tree.

 

Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Coal.
Coal who?
Coal me if you hear Santa coming.

 

Christmas Quotes 
   (Funny and Serious)

The TV news people keep saying that this could be the greatest Christmas we ever had.
I kind of thought the first one was.
Milton Berle

It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
Milton Berle

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out and then count those you received?
Milton Berle

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And, I didn't.
Milton Berle

 

The best stocking stuffer is a human leg.
Norm Macdonald

 

You know you're getting old, when Santa starts looking younger.
 Robert Paul

 

Oh, joy, Christmas Eve. By this time tomorrow millions of Americans, knee-deep in tinsel and wrapping paper, will utter these heartfelt words: "Is this all I got?"
Fraiser Crane (Kelsey Grammer)

 

The day after Christmas is like the day after the senior prom. Everyone is asking, "What did you get?"
Jay Leno

 

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Jay Leno

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall.
Dave Barry

 

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
Johnny Carson

 

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas
with a note on it saying, toys not included.
 Bernard Manning

 

Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
Arlo Guthrie

 

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller

 

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
Shirley Temple

 

One good thing about Christmas shopping it toughens you for the January sales. - - Grace Kriley

 

Even before Christmas has said Hello, it's saying 'Buy Buy'
Robert Paul

 

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark.
Dick Gregory

 

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
W.C. Fields

 

Why is it that when snooty department stores put their Christmas decorations up just after the 4th of July it's 'elegant foresight,' but, when I leave Christmas lights up until April, my neighbors think I'm just tacky?
Alisa Meadows

 

The one thing women do not want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.
Joan Rivers

 

Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
Bart Simpson (The Simpsons)

 

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.
Henry Youngman

 

He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.
Roy L. Smith

 

The only blind person at Christmastime is he who has not Christmas in his heart.
Helen Keller

 

There's nothing sadder in the world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
Erma Bombeck

 

Unless we make Christmas an occasion to share our blessings, all the snow in Alaska won't make it "white".
Bing Crosby

 

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree.  In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.  
Larry Wilde

 

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. 
Garrison Keillor

 

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.
Dr. Seuss

 

Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love!  
Hamilton Wright Mabie

 

Christmas is doing a little something extra for someone.
Charles Schulz

 

Remember this December, that love weighs more than gold!
Josephine D.D. Bacon

 

I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month.
Harland Miller

 

          Christmas gift suggestions:

To your enemy, forgiveness.
To an opponent, tolerance.
To a friend, your heart.
To a customer, service.
To all, charity.
To every child, a good example.
To yourself, respect.

Oren Arnold

 

 

ChristmasJokes

 

 

It's so embarrassing, getting drunk on eggnog. What can you say to people? You're under the influence of cinnamon?

At the last Christmas party, the secretary with the long, red hair ate three pickles and four co-workers panicked!

I just bought a great gift for my boss. A leaky ant farm.

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.

The post office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile" they throw it underhand.

One Fifth Avenue jewelry store is offering a Christmas deal. They're selling a diamond pendant with matching earrings for $140,000. Gift-wrapping is $4.50 extra.

I had a miserable Christmas. My mother-in-law came and she's such a comic. She gave us a set of towels marked, "Hers" and "Its."

Have you seen that new doll that wets and gets diaper rash? It prepares kids for what they'll want to be as adults: Celibate.

Ever wonder how many kids write Thank-you letters to Santa after Christmas?

Christmas used to come once a year. With installment payment, it now comes once-a-week.

 

Dasher: Hey, what's that reindeer doing with Santa's sled?
Rudolph: He's just Vixen the broken engine.

 

One Christmas Eve a policeman found a man on the pavement who had been knocked over.

"Did you get the car's registration number?" the policeman asked.

"No," said the man, "but I'd recognize those reindeer anywhere." 

Tina always put a great big arrow next to her house so that Santa wouldn't forget to visit.
"But he always comes," said Tina's mom.
"I know," said Tina." It works every time."

"Why is your house so cold?"
"Because daddy doesn't know the difference between toothpaste and putty."
"What's that got to do with it?"
"Well, all the window panes keep falling out."

I got a $5 for Christmas, but the cat ate it.
Never mind, it's always good to keep something in the kitty.

 

Jimmy got a brand new bike for Christmas.
He whizzed down a hill (showing off) yelling," Look, Tina, no hands!"
As the bike picked up more speed,  he yelled, "Look, Tina, no feet!"
As he crashed into the back of a bus, he yelled, "Nooook, Ina, no teef!"

 

Funny Christmas Jingles or Poems
(Here's a few I found in books or had sent to me.)

 

When Christmas comes already yet,
Mit presents large and sweet.
The tings I like in mein stockings best,
By jiminiy, are my feet!

Last night I found my sweetheart Flo,
Posed 'neath a spray of mistletoe.
"How come," said I, "when Christmas Day
Is still a good long week away?"
"Ah, shucks," she said. "Don't make me blush---
Shop early and avoid the rush!"

Artificial Christmas Tree

I think that I shall never be,
Sold on an artificial tree.
A Christmas tree with plastic limbs
Just doesn't stir me up to hymns;
A tree with needles made of foil;
That grew in factories, not soil;
And, though it will not burst nor shed,
Will neither be alive nor dead.
Perennial, yes, it may be,
And formed in perfect symmetry.
But only God can make a tree
To suit old-fashioned fools like me.

 

Christmas comes with snow and ice,
With mistletoe and all that's nice;
But, brother it also gives me chills
To think it also comes with bills.

We three kings of Orient are.
One in a taxi,
One in a car.
One on a scooter beeping his hooter,
Following yonder star.

While shepherds washed their socks by night,
All seated round the tub,
A bar of Sunlight soap came down
And they began to scrub.

Politically Correct Xmas Night

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole
were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth.

Xmas Consequences

Twas the month after Christmas and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste.
All the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Since our site began, each week we make a Teddy Bear cartoon.
 Some of them have had Christmas themes.
Below is a listing of links to our Christmas cartoons (some have music) old and new.

 

Sources:

"The Toastmaster's Treasure Chest" by Herbert V. Prochnow  Sr. and Jr.
Harper and Row © 1979

"Milton Berle's Private Joke Book" by Milton Berle
Three Rivers Press © 1989

"The Christmas Stocking Joke Book" by Shoo Rayner
Penguin Books, Ltd. © 1989

"The Crazy Christmas Joke Book"  (no author)
Penguin Books, Ltd. © 2002

"Crazy Christmas Jokes" by Alison Grambs
Sterling Publishing © 2005

"Holiday Ha-Ha's Christmas Jokes & Riddles" by Craig Yoe
Penguin Young Readers © 2003

"The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips and One-Liners" by Geoff Tibballs
Caroll & Graff Publishers © 2004

"The Joke Teller's Handbook. 1,000 Belly Laughs" by Robert Orben
Doubleday Publishing, Inc. . © 1976