Fractured Fairy Tale: Pinocchio

A Fractured Fairy Tale by A.J. Jacobs,
as featured on "The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle Show" 1959-1961

These are best when seen as an animated cartoon. My page really doesn't do justice to the creativity.

Once upon a time in a faraway city lived a kindly old wood-carver named Geppetto. All day long, he sat in his tiny workshop and carved puppets out of wood with his crude jackknife.

"Boy, this whittling sure gets to be a drag," said Geppetto one day. "Looka me. Talking to a pine-top dummy. If only you was a real kid! I could get you a paper route and take it easy for a while."

No sooner had kindly old Geppetto shuffled off to bed than a good fairy mysteriously appeared. The fairy figured that kindly old Geppetto deserved better, and decided to grant him his wish. She tapped the puppet on the head and ---

---it sprang to life.

The fairy told the puppet that, yes, one day, he could be a real boy. But as always, there was a catch. The puppet had to perform a brave deed. With that, the fairy mysteriously disappeared and the puppet ran to wake Geppetto and tell him the good news.

Geppetto bolted up, clicked his heels, and shoulded, "Yabba-dabba-doo!" (Italian for Hooray!) "Oh, I'm so happy! A talking puppet with no strings? You're worth a fortune! I'm gonna call you Pinocchio and start my own television show."

"But I don't want to be on television," said the puppet. "I want to do a brave deed and become a real boy."

"You outta your mind, Splinters? Stay wood. Stay wood. You gonna be bigger than Hunch and Juicy."

"That's Punch and Judy," said the puppet. But Geppetto wasn't listening. He was already on the phone with J. Quincy Flogg, the president of the television network, telling him about this hot new act. Flogg loved the concept and, after three dozen focus groups, 22 studies and 158 meetings he boldly agreed to give Geppetto a show. It was tentatively titled Pinocchio Doody Show and after some hard bargaining, Geppetto got himself a million dollars and two coffee breaks for each show.

Everybody soon got to work. Pinocchio was sent to a personal trainer to make sure his pine was hard but flexible. He got some high-priced wooden surgery for his nose, which mysteriously grew each time he lied. (Which in show business, was quite a bit.) And he started shooting a commercial for lemon-scented wood polish---no easy task.

"But kindly old Geppetto," sighed Pinocchio, "I've alrady done the commercial fifty times."

"Hey, knothead, you know what this is?" asked Geppetto holding up a piece of paper.

"Atsa right again. Now....you wanna wind up as a big brown roll in a butcher shop?"

Finally, all was in readiness for the big show. Backstage, Pinocchio sat in his chair, his makeup artist applying a little varnish. The direct approached him.

"Don't worry, Pinocchio," he said. "If you forget your lines, you can always look at the cue cards."

Pinocchio shrugged his shoulders. He didn't need any cue cards he said. He knew his part. Now who should over hear this but J. Quincy Flogg, the president of the network. He was stunned. "A TV star not using idiot cards! Why, that's the bravest thing I've ever heard."

It was quite brave. In fact, it was such a brave deed that the mere thought of it instantly turned Pinocchio from a wood puppet into a real boy. But as soon as that happened, the network cancelled the show. Geppetto tried to sell his idea to Disney as a nice family movie, but Disney couldn't care less. Geppetto and Pinocchio found themselves penniless and on the street.

"oh, I love happy endings," she said. "Finally Pinocchio's a real boy and he can be your son and live with you forever."

"You offa your head?" shouted Geppetto. "I want to be lonely. I don't like kids. I'm leaving." Geppetto sulked off to his workshop, where he made hundreds and hundreds of other puppets, hoping that one would come to life again someday, which never happened.

The good fairy comforted the little boy. "Let him go. You see, he isn't your real father at all. That's your real father." She pointed to J. Quincy Flogg, the head of the network.

Pinocchio was overjoyed to find his real father at last, and Flogg was happy too. He was so happy he gave his son a starring role in the nighttime soap opera Faraway Hamlet 90210, even though he had minimal acting skills.

Note: There were 91 Fractured Fairy Tales. I loved all of them.
See a complete listing Here.
Unfortunately there is an entire generation or more that hasn't had the fun of experiencing
A.J. Jacob's tremendous writing talent. This is why I am offering a few of his tales on my site
so you can get an idea. To read them all, buy the book listed below!

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